If you enter on the 26th floor, then congratulations, you are the first. Please stand with your back against the steel wall of the rear door, which should not be opening for a while. If you get on on 25, and someone is already in the elevator, please do not acknowledge. Please stand opposite that person and look down. If you enter below 26 and there are already multiple passengers, please wedge yourself into the clearest middle. Please avoid small talk of any kind. Please avoid eye contact. If you own a dog and bring it inside, anywhere between floors 26 and 14, please make sure your dog is well-behaved. If there is not space for a dog, as there may not be by floor 14, then the dog must take the stairs. If you are lucky enough to live on 13, please utter the Incantation of Ages. If you fail to utter the Incantation, and it is reported, you will be evicted from floor 13. When you utter the Incantation, any and all passengers should get on their knees and grovel, including dogs. If you or your dog fail to grovel upon hearing the Incantation, and it is reported, you will be evicted to sub-basement 12. If you live between floors 12 and 1, please follow the same protocol as those between 14-26, except please make sure to face the back of the elevator, not the front. Avoid breathing into the mouths of others. If you enter between basement 1 and sub-basement 1, please equip gas-masks to all passengers. If you live between basement 1 and sub-basement 1, and have not yet received your appointment and your mask collection, please email management. If you enter on any floor between sub-basement 1 and sub-basement 50, please enter with a mask already affixed to your face. Please do not interact with anyone under any circumstances, as air conditions will make all passengers irritable, and liable to commit violence. If you enter between sub-basement 51 and sub-basement 57, you have special instructions that should have been communicated to you already. Please follow them. If you enter between sub-basement 58 and sub-basement 158, you will not require a mask, as you have lived here since before the floods and before the Recalibration Age, and you have adapted to the air quality. You are respected and valued by management. Please ensure that all other passengers respect you and if you need you may use force should they not bestow the many blessings upon you. If you enter between sub-basement 159 and sub-sub-basement 3, let’s face it, the elevator will be extremely cramped and there will likely be bone-breakage and suffocation at this point, so enter at your own risk. You may use the stairs, but only up until sub-sub-basement 3. If you enter on sub-sub-basement 4, then you are the property manager, which is me, as only the property manager lives on sub-sub-basement 4 and of course knows the protocols by heart. Ha! That was a little bit of lite property-manager humor for you. If you enter between sub-sub-basement 5 and Excidium level 1, Thraacttt oct-chitonnesser ghronkt chtaaaact chtaaaactanan! Annnniinaa ocknananto. If you enter between Excidium level 2 and Maintenance, please use extreme caution for obvious reasons. Please do not move any bodies, animate or expired, under any circumstances. Please maintain stoicism. Please do not disrobe because of the heat. If you enter on sub-sub-sub basement 1 or below, please avoid blocking the doorway, as that is a violation of building policy.
∞
Derek Fisher is a writer from Toronto. His writing has appeared in Atlas and Alice, Ripples in Space, HASH Journal, The Write Launch, and Shudder.com‘s blog The Bite. He has no sense of humour, is bald, and does not exist. To see more of his work, visit derekafisher.com.
Comments
I love the progression in this piece. Each ridiculous sentence increases the absurdity at a calmingly even pace. Each sentence, more bizarre than the one before it, somehow elicits the response, “yeah, I could see that coming, that makes sense.”
The lite property manager humor is such a brilliant addition to this vivid descent! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading this multiple times. Bravo